Thursday, January 07, 2010

Labour's Last Hope (Sketch)

Scene: Gordon Brown's Office, 10 Downing Street.

[Brown is sitting behind his desk. Geoff Hoon and Patricia Hewitt enter, nervously.]

Brown: Well well, if it isn't my old friends. Looks like all that plotting and scheming was for nothing, doesn't it?

Hoon: But, but Prime Minister, please understand!

Hewitt: It was nothing personal. We're great admirers of your work!

Hoon: It's just'll never win an election. Unless we get a new leader soon, we'll be utterly obliterated!

Hewitt: We just thought that the Party needs someone else, someone charismatic, someone who might give us a chance at a fourth term...

Brown: [Incredulous] What, one of you two?? Oh, I can really see the electorate turning out in droves for that.

Hoon: Well, uh, no, we did discuss that, and you're completely right.

Hewitt: We need someone else in charge, and we do have a possible solution...

Brown: Oh, and who is it? No, don't tell me. I can just imagine. Johnson! Miliband! Balls!

Hoon: [Affronted] No need to be rude, Prime Minister.

Hewitt: No no, we have found someone who would really appeal to the electorate, and we even persuaded him to leave behind a very promising career to go into politics. He's young, dynamic and almost universally loved.

Brown: [Perplexed] Who could you possibly mean??

[Enter David Tennant, grinning.]

Tennant: Hello!

Brown: What? Wait, I recognise you! You're...Captain Kirk, or something.

Tennant: Eh...close enough.

Hoon: Don't you see, Prime Minister? With Mr. Tennant as Labour Party leader, we would absolutely thrash the Tories at the polls!

Hewitt: With his departure from Doctor Who, his popularity ratings are through the roof! He's more popular than Jesus!

Hoon: It's true; my research shows that a higher percentage of the electorate identify him with Christmas than Christ himself...

Tennant: [Looking around the room] This place is a bit fancy, isn't it? [Looking out the window, suddenly alert] Look out! The Daleks are attacking!

Hoon: What??

Hewitt: Where??

Brown: Is it time for me to save the world again?

Tennant: [Cheeky smile] Nah, just kidding! [To himself] No Daleks until next Tuesday.

Brown: But you can't run the country! You have no experience! You aren't even a politician!

Hoon: Exactly! People hate politicians at the moment; Mr. Tennant is free from the taint of the expenses scandal!

Tennant: Plus, I still have my sonic screwdriver!

[He points his sonic screwdriver at Brown's desk and activates it, causing a high tech control panel and screen to rise out from it.]

Brown: [Shocked] What?? I've never got it to do that before!

Hewitt: Do you see, Prime Minister? He's perfect for the job! We've even persuaded him to keep putting on his English accent while doing the job. Research suggests that his native Scottish accent would remind people too much of, well, you.

Hoon: And I've already got the electoral broadcast planned out! It's like the opening to Doctor Who, see, which is brilliant because it's already mostly in red. Then we have the logo fly towards the screen, but rather than Doctor Who it will just say 'Labour'. And then once it flies off we show your face, Prime Minister, and then we'll have a voice over say "The leader of the Labour Party is regenerating again..." And then your face will morph into Mr. Tennant's! The public will lap it up!

Brown: Well, um, I suppose it makes some sense. But I'll still have to run it past Peter Mandelson.

Hewitt: [Groaning] Oh no, not Mandelson...

[Enter Peter Mandelson.]

Mandelson: You called?

Brown: I was just saying that-

[Tennant notices Mandelson.]

Tennant: [Shocked] It can't be... It is! [Angry] Davros!! I knew it was you!! I won't let you drag this wonderful country down with your manipulations!

Mandelson: [Horrified] No! My cunning schemes have been revealed!

[He runs away.]

Brown: [To Tennant] Wait, did you just chase away Peter Mandelson? That's it, you're hired! You'll be the best Prime Minister the United Kingdom has ever seen!

Hewitt: Oh, raptures! But what will you do, Mr. Brown?

Brown: [Airily] Oh, you know, go on the lecture circuit, try to bring peace to the Middle East... Hey, if it worked for Tony, it's got to work for me, right?

Hewitt: Um, yes, of course. I'm...sure it will.

Brown: Right, we'll just have to announce the news to the party. I'm sure there will be no need for a leadership election; we'll just have another coronation like last time.

[Hoon has been looking at the monitor on the desk.]

Hoon: Um, sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it looks like the Tories have pipped us to the post again. They've just announced that they've also got a new leader to take them into the election.

Brown: [Outraged] What??

Tennant: [Concerned] Who is it? Geoff, who is it? This is very important, Geoff, I need to know who it is!

Geoff: It's...John Simm.


[We hear the drumbeat of four as it gets louder and louder...]