Labour's Last Hope (Sketch)

Scene: Gordon Brown's Office, 10 Downing Street.

[Brown is sitting behind his desk. Geoff Hoon and Patricia Hewitt enter, nervously.]

Brown: Well well, if it isn't my old friends. Looks like all that plotting and scheming was for nothing, doesn't it?

Hoon: But, but Prime Minister, please understand!

Hewitt: It was nothing personal. We're great admirers of your work!

Hoon: It's just that...well...you'll never win an election. Unless we get a new leader soon, we'll be utterly obliterated!

Hewitt: We just thought that the Party needs someone else, someone charismatic, someone who might give us a chance at a fourth term...

Brown: [Incredulous] What, one of you two?? Oh, I can really see the electorate turning out in droves for that.

Hoon: Well, uh, no, we did discuss that, and you're completely right.

Hewitt: We need someone else in charge, and we do have a possible solution...

Brown: Oh, and who is it? No, don't tell me. I can just imagine. Johnson! Miliband! Balls!

Hoon: [Affronted] No need to be rude, Prime Minister.

Hewitt: No no, we have found someone who would really appeal to the electorate, and we even persuaded him to leave behind a very promising career to go into politics. He's young, dynamic and almost universally loved.

Brown: [Perplexed] Who could you possibly mean??

[Enter David Tennant, grinning.]

Tennant: Hello!

Brown: What? Wait, I recognise you! You're...Captain Kirk, or something.

Tennant: Eh...close enough.

Hoon: Don't you see, Prime Minister? With Mr. Tennant as Labour Party leader, we would absolutely thrash the Tories at the polls!

Hewitt: With his departure from Doctor Who, his popularity ratings are through the roof! He's more popular than Jesus!

Hoon: It's true; my research shows that a higher percentage of the electorate identify him with Christmas than Christ himself...

Tennant: [Looking around the room] This place is a bit fancy, isn't it? [Looking out the window, suddenly alert] Look out! The Daleks are attacking!

Hoon: What??

Hewitt: Where??

Brown: Is it time for me to save the world again?

Tennant: [Cheeky smile] Nah, just kidding! [To himself] No Daleks until next Tuesday.

Brown: But you can't run the country! You have no experience! You aren't even a politician!

Hoon: Exactly! People hate politicians at the moment; Mr. Tennant is free from the taint of the expenses scandal!

Tennant: Plus, I still have my sonic screwdriver!

[He points his sonic screwdriver at Brown's desk and activates it, causing a high tech control panel and screen to rise out from it.]

Brown: [Shocked] What?? I've never got it to do that before!

Hewitt: Do you see, Prime Minister? He's perfect for the job! We've even persuaded him to keep putting on his English accent while doing the job. Research suggests that his native Scottish accent would remind people too much of, well, you.

Hoon: And I've already got the electoral broadcast planned out! It's like the opening to Doctor Who, see, which is brilliant because it's already mostly in red. Then we have the logo fly towards the screen, but rather than Doctor Who it will just say 'Labour'. And then once it flies off we show your face, Prime Minister, and then we'll have a voice over say "The leader of the Labour Party is regenerating again..." And then your face will morph into Mr. Tennant's! The public will lap it up!

Brown: Well, um, I suppose it makes some sense. But I'll still have to run it past Peter Mandelson.

Hewitt: [Groaning] Oh no, not Mandelson...

[Enter Peter Mandelson.]

Mandelson: You called?

Brown: I was just saying that-

[Tennant notices Mandelson.]

Tennant: [Shocked] It can't be... It is! [Angry] Davros!! I knew it was you!! I won't let you drag this wonderful country down with your manipulations!

Mandelson: [Horrified] No! My cunning schemes have been revealed!

[He runs away.]

Brown: [To Tennant] Wait, did you just chase away Peter Mandelson? That's it, you're hired! You'll be the best Prime Minister the United Kingdom has ever seen!

Hewitt: Oh, raptures! But what will you do, Mr. Brown?

Brown: [Airily] Oh, you know, go on the lecture circuit, try to bring peace to the Middle East... Hey, if it worked for Tony, it's got to work for me, right?

Hewitt: Um, yes, of course. I'm...sure it will.

Brown: Right, we'll just have to announce the news to the party. I'm sure there will be no need for a leadership election; we'll just have another coronation like last time.

[Hoon has been looking at the monitor on the desk.]

Hoon: Um, sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it looks like the Tories have pipped us to the post again. They've just announced that they've also got a new leader to take them into the election.

Brown: [Outraged] What??

Tennant: [Concerned] Who is it? Geoff, who is it? This is very important, Geoff, I need to know who it is!

Geoff: It's...John Simm.

Tennant: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

[We hear the drumbeat of four as it gets louder and louder...]

END

The Hoff

What can I really say about this, other than that it's awful and yet addictive?

Jump In My Car - David Hasselhoff

The Making of 'Jump In My Car'

Now that is cheese, pure and simple.

I wonder if it will be playing in clubs soon?

Crazy Quotes

Looking back over my school forum's quotes page, I found a load of quotes which I had put up there and completely forgotten about. I thought I'd just share some of the best of my submissions to it...

Rich: Narcissistic...Isn't that where you have sex with dead people?

Abi having a self confessed blonde moment:
Abi: What date is it today?
Pete: [Looks at watch] Twenty-fifth.
Abi: Right. And what date was it yesterday?

Abi: Oh, mathematicians don't do maths. Doesn't mean it's not maths.
(She meant arithmetic in the middle, BTW)
Abi: You see, a-rith-MA-tic...oh no wait, that doesn't have maths in it.

Abi: What's that film, um...
Pete: Give us a clue?
Abi: Well it's about that maths genius who's insane...
Steve: Countdown?

Gam: I went to an all boy's school so I know how to castrate people.
Abi: I went to an all girl's school, and I don't!

Overheard between my mum and brother:
Mum: Dave, do you want chicken and mushroom or cheese and onion pie for dinner?
Dave: Um, does the cheese and onion one have meat in it?
Mum: No.
Dave: Then I'll have the one with meat in it.

You Know You're a Law Student When...

Just a few. More when I think of them.

You know you're a law student when...

* You start pronouncing 'v' as 'and' in normal life. (This has happened perhaps irreperably to me. I saw a poster for Alien v Predator in a friend's room and mentioned it, unconsciously making the substitution. Luckily no-one was paying attention!)

* You start saying 'per' as a shorthand for 'as said by' or 'as evidenced by.' (A friend and I were discussing an essay and he made a point 'per our last tutorial.' I constantly back up arguments with 'per [insert academic / lecturer's name].') 'Per Lord Denning' becomes synonymous with 'this is a dodgy point of law.'

* On the subject of his lordship, your heart sinks automatically when you start reading a judgement which should be able to clarify a tricky point of law, only to find it prefaced by 'Lord Denning MR:' By the end of the estimed Master of the Rolls' summary of the facts, you have worked out who is going to win by who is presented in the positive light.

* More generally, your face lights up or sinks depending on which lawlord is making the leading judgement. (For me it's a beaming smile for Lord Millett, a slightly uncertain frown for Lord Browne-Wilkinson, an indulgent glance for Lord Diplock and an angry scowl for Lord Hoffmann).

* You start analysing events in terms of the interesting legal questions they bring up.

* You enjoy saying things like 'I am the law!' A lot.

Um...maybe it's just me.

Tory Rich

I submitted this to Hertford's gossip magazine, Simpkins (www.freewebs.com/simpkinsmagazine). They put it on the back cover. Hee hee!


It's an actual quote, or close enough!

Intellectual Honesty: Lord Denning

(With apologies to my non-lawyer friends)

If Lord Denning had any intellectual honesty:

Scene: The Court of Appeal

Judge: ...And for those reasons this action must fail. I dismiss the appeal of Lord Denning.

Denning's Lawyer: What?! You can't be serious!

Judge: [Annoyed] And for that display of bad faith, I order him to pay costs to the court.

Denning's Lawyer: But what you said doesn't bear any relation to the established law!

Denning: [Impressed] No no, fair's fair. After all, he mentioned equity a bunch of times *and* he told a nicely obscure story to go with it!

Denning's Lawyer: [Shaking his head] Oh well, at least there's always the House of Lords...

Denning: [Baffled] The Lords? Why would we want to pay any heed to them?

Smo Tells It Like It Is

This took place in Rich's room Thursday night, when a number of us randomly met up:

[Introducing friends]

Abi: Smo, this is Neil. Neil, Smo. [Explaining] Smo is Sarah's boyfriend, and Pete's old friend from school.

Neil: Oh, really? Small world, huh?

Abi: Not really, she met him through Pete.

Neil: Oh, right.

Abi: It's quite sweet, really.

Smo: Sweet? I stole Pete's girlfriend from him on his birthday, and it was sweet?

Abi: Well I'm rather glad you did...

[Neil looks on, baffled]

Intellectual Honesty: Tony Blair

If Tony Blair had any intellectual honesty:

Scene: Downing Street

[Blair is walking up to the door to Number 10 when the police walk up to him]

Police Officer: I'm sorry sir, if you'd like to come with us...

Blair: There must be some kind of terrible mistake. I'm the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom!

[Author's note: That does indeed prove that there has been a terrible mistake, but not like he is thinking!]

P.O.: No sir, I have a warrant here to detain you under the Terrorism Act.

Blair: Detain me? Why? For how long?

P.O.: Um sir, you should well know that I am not required to give any explanation for your detention. [Looks at warrant] And according to this, I am to hold you for the full three months if possible.

Blair: The full three months! [Sighs] Well, I suppose it is for the security of the nation. [Holds up hands for handcuffs] Alright, let's get going.

P.O.: Very good, sir.

Blair: Will I be allowed to see my wife?

P.O.: Probably not, I'm afraid.

Blair: But what about in her capacity as a lawyer?

P.O.: [Laughs] Mr Blair, you did help draft the Act, remember! Now come on...

Blair: Oh well, I suppose. Oh dear, I wonder who will run the country while I'm away... [A moment's pause, then his eyes widen] Wait a minute, who signed that warrant?!

Scene: Press Conference at Number 10

Reporter: Mr Brown, while you seem to be settling into your new role comfortably, the public is still desperate to know - just where is Mr Blair?

Brown: [Pause, then a hint of a smile] Oh, I couldn't possibly say...

Intellectual Honesty: George W. Bush

If George W. Bush had any intellectual honesty:

Scene: The Oval Office

[Bush watches the statue of Saddam topple on TV]

Bush: Yeah! Take that Saddam! How's that for regime change?

Aide: Well done, Mr. President.

Bush: Now, who's next on the Axis of Evil? [Takes out crumpled piece of paper and squints at it] Uh, Zimbooble? Zimbawibble?

Aide: I think that's Zimbabwe, sir.

Bush: Excellent! Says here they have a repressive regime and sham elections. [Picks up phone] Rummy, now it's time to invade Zimba- Uh, that African place. [Puts down phone] Take that, President Moogabooga! [Takes out piece of paper]. Now, who's next?

Aide: Uh sir, shouldn't you concentrate on one country at a time? We don't have infinite resources...

Bush: Phooey! We're America, and we're here to bring freedom wherever it's not! [Looks at paper] Next, we'll go for...Saudi Arabia! Says here the regime is always abuserizing human rights.

Aide: But sir, the USA gains much from good relations with the Saudi Government...

Bush: That doesn't matter! We get into these wars in the name of freedom, not for our own benefit! There's no 'I' in America!

Aide: Uh...

Bush: Well, not the way I pronounce it.

Aide: Right. But, but, Saudi Arabia provides us with lots of oil.

Bush: Well, sucks to their oil! It's a nasty colour and, and it smells funny. [Looks proud of self. Picks up phone] Rummy, bomb Saudi Arabia!

Aide: Oh dear, dear me...

Bush: [Looks at paper] Next, we'll go for...The United Kingdom! Says here they're languishing under an unelected monarchy! [Picks up phone] Rummy, prepare to attack the UK- Oh, hehehe! Silly me, I like the UK! My Blair-bear lives there. [Looks around] Okay, which one of you pranksters put the UK on the Axis of Evil? Hehehe.

Aide: Oh dear... Uh, maybe that's enough for one day.

Bush: Maybe you're right.

[Phone rings, Bush picks it up]

Bush: Hello? NASA? Ooh, you're the space guys! What's that? Oh, really? Right... [Puts down phone]

Aide: What was that?

Bush: [Picks up helmet and starts pushing it onto his head] NASA have discovered life on another planet! A whole civilisation of beings we can't hope to understanderize!

Aide: Well that's wonderful news...

Bush: [Finishes putting on helmet. It's an astronaut's helmet] Yeah, they're apparently controlled by some kind of space dictator! And you know what that means...

Aide: Oh God no.

Bush: Yeah! [Picks up a light sabre which hums into life] It's time to use...the forces! The armed forces, that is. Hehehe.

Smotographs

Well the Henry Box Forum's second photo competition has finished, and it is time to vote. So everyone who's registered, please do! The subject was lovable rogue Smo, and here is the thread with all the entries: Smo Photo Competition. Here is the voting page: Smo Photo Poll. Here are my entries to it:


The Passion of the Smo


Jon Bon Smovi


ConSMOvative

Also, for those interested, here is the previous photo competition, with me as the subject: Peter Photo Competition. 'Rock Your Body' by Dav won most creative, and 'Hedgehog Pete' by Gwen won most visually impressive.

Crazy Pete

When preparing to go to uni, the Freshers' Week team asked for unusual photos of us, to stick in the freshers' booklet. I sent in this, taken in a photo booth, but sadly they must not have received them as none ever showed up in the booklet. Indeed, the set seemed to have been lost...until now.

By the way, I'm pretty sure it was Smo trying and failing to do bunny ears on me in the third pic.


Me, me, me, me.

One For Dav, Perhaps?

In Defense of Ewoks

So true. So true.

Somewhat Random Satire

How Charlie Joined Fightstar

Fightstar: Well your resume is certainly impressive given the number of Top 10 hits your first band had in a rather short space of time. However, we’re just not sure you’re right for Fightstar. You see, we’re proper metal, and you were…well practically a boyband.

Charlie: Uh, that’s just not true! We spoke from the heart.

Fightstar: About attractive air hostesses and time travel?

Charlie: Don’t forget the Thunderbirds.

Fightstar: We’re really not sure this is a good idea… After all, why would you want to leave a band with such international success as Busted?

Charlie: Funny you should ask, cause I’ve prepared a song that should explain all that and persuade you to let me join!

Fighstar: Did you write it?

Charlie: Uh, I co-wrote it, like most of Busted’s songs…

Fightstar: Figures. Fine, go ahead.

Charlie: Ahem.

[To the same tune as the hit from ‘Grease’]

We’ve had hits, they're multiplyin', but my future’s looking bleak
Cause I’ve been to the year 3000, and Busted’s looking kinda weak.

You better shape up, cause I need a band,
and my heart is set on you
You better shape up, you better understand,
to my roots I must be true
Cause I’m a rocker through and through!

You're the one that I want (you are the one I want),
ooh ooh ooh, money!
The one that I want (you are the one I want),
ooh ooh ooh, money!
The one that I want (you are the one I want),
ooh ooh ooh,
I won’t settle
Until I’m singing Nu Metal!

If you're faced with dejection,
Not enough fame comes your way
Bag a singer from a pop group, get more pay.

I better shape up, cause you need a singer
To keep the fans satisfied
I better shape up, prove I’m not a minger
In my dulcet tones you should take pride
Hiring me’s not suicide!

You're the one that I want (you are the one I want),
ooh ooh ooh, money!
The one that I want (you are the one I want),
ooh ooh ooh, money!
The one that I want (you are the one I want),
ooh ooh ooh,
We’ll go far
If I can join Fightstar!

You're the one that I want (you are the one I want),
ooh ooh ooh, money!
The one that I want (you are the one I want),
ooh ooh ooh, money!
The one that I want (you are the one I want),
ooh ooh ooh,
With my looks and voice
Do you have a choice?

[End]

Fightstar: Wow. You’re so right. With you in the band we’ll have no trouble making it into the mainstream. How can we lose?

Charlie: Excellent! So I’ll be lead singer?

Fightstar: No, I think you’d be better suited to backing vocals.

Charlie: Okay. Buy I’ll get to write lyrics, right?

Fightstar: Um, we’ll get back to you on that one.

And so the next stage of Charlie’s epic music journey began…