Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Intellectual Honesty: George W. Bush

If George W. Bush had any intellectual honesty:

Scene: The Oval Office

[Bush watches the statue of Saddam topple on TV]

Bush: Yeah! Take that Saddam! How's that for regime change?

Aide: Well done, Mr. President.

Bush: Now, who's next on the Axis of Evil? [Takes out crumpled piece of paper and squints at it] Uh, Zimbooble? Zimbawibble?

Aide: I think that's Zimbabwe, sir.

Bush: Excellent! Says here they have a repressive regime and sham elections. [Picks up phone] Rummy, now it's time to invade Zimba- Uh, that African place. [Puts down phone] Take that, President Moogabooga! [Takes out piece of paper]. Now, who's next?

Aide: Uh sir, shouldn't you concentrate on one country at a time? We don't have infinite resources...

Bush: Phooey! We're America, and we're here to bring freedom wherever it's not! [Looks at paper] Next, we'll go for...Saudi Arabia! Says here the regime is always abuserizing human rights.

Aide: But sir, the USA gains much from good relations with the Saudi Government...

Bush: That doesn't matter! We get into these wars in the name of freedom, not for our own benefit! There's no 'I' in America!

Aide: Uh...

Bush: Well, not the way I pronounce it.

Aide: Right. But, but, Saudi Arabia provides us with lots of oil.

Bush: Well, sucks to their oil! It's a nasty colour and, and it smells funny. [Looks proud of self. Picks up phone] Rummy, bomb Saudi Arabia!

Aide: Oh dear, dear me...

Bush: [Looks at paper] Next, we'll go for...The United Kingdom! Says here they're languishing under an unelected monarchy! [Picks up phone] Rummy, prepare to attack the UK- Oh, hehehe! Silly me, I like the UK! My Blair-bear lives there. [Looks around] Okay, which one of you pranksters put the UK on the Axis of Evil? Hehehe.

Aide: Oh dear... Uh, maybe that's enough for one day.

Bush: Maybe you're right.

[Phone rings, Bush picks it up]

Bush: Hello? NASA? Ooh, you're the space guys! What's that? Oh, really? Right... [Puts down phone]

Aide: What was that?

Bush: [Picks up helmet and starts pushing it onto his head] NASA have discovered life on another planet! A whole civilisation of beings we can't hope to understanderize!

Aide: Well that's wonderful news...

Bush: [Finishes putting on helmet. It's an astronaut's helmet] Yeah, they're apparently controlled by some kind of space dictator! And you know what that means...

Aide: Oh God no.

Bush: Yeah! [Picks up a light sabre which hums into life] It's time to use...the forces! The armed forces, that is. Hehehe.


Pejar said...

By the way, I fully appreciate the absurdity of having George Bush in a sentence with 'intellect'...

crazy/evil/chocoholic/crazy-girl said...

:D woo go pete :D
Excellent satire - glad to see you're keeping it up :)